Assignment 2
The assignment was to write the first page of a book, or story, taking into account what we had learned about the importance of conflict and making sure that the reader would want to read page 2! The assignment is here
The tutor's feedback:
Great first line - full of promise
"Water through my fingers" - beautiful, lovely image
Started out quirky, then reinforced the literary qualities
Last sentence of second paragraph gives the game away! The piece starts asking the question as to why the author is a male Brownie, and then proceeds to answer it immediately! So the heart of the mystery is solved! Lose the sentence starting "No six year old boy"
"Excited I was", "Crying there was" - strange grammatical construction, which sounds like Yoda from Star Wars
Second main paragraph: interesting, aditional thread of story being developed. Note how with the removal of the "No six year old boy" line, the author has not yet gone any way to explaining how he became a Brownie. in fact, an additional mystery is being set up which may or may not tie in so now the reader is trying to solve two distinct mysteries and will be trying to spot clues/links that are going to make sense of this
Tutor didn't understand the "Crying there was" paragraph - not clear enough what it means
Mr Prentice is a big character because he has been introduced at the head of a paragraph
"Do my memories deceive me?" This is unnecessary as the tentaive nature of the author's memories has already been mentioned
The emergence of Brown Owl now answers one of the mysteries. Possibly, this mystery could be left even longer while, say, the relationship between Mr Prentice and Mother is explored (with hints of a love triangle, for example) only to resolve into the Brown Owl role ie wrong footing the reader
Need to explore this big, exotic scenario (keeping rhino out of the garden) in more detail - spend a bit of time looking around; tourism for the reader
Final sentence - What?! That came out of nowhere. If this is just a trick, it's a cheap one (not a trick - AFTM!)
Run the risk of infuriating the reader - don't let them make sense of it too soon